I have been ill. I missed our last gig of the year. because of this I have been reading more than I can get in in my usual commute to and from work.
first i read hunger...perfect. next i read boredom...spectacular.
now i am re-reading intercourse...it is like i had fogotten everything important about being a woman.
it is like i had started playing by the rules even though i hated them and staying within the lines made me ill and useless to myself. does everyone feel like that sometimes? does anyone feel like that all the time? I had put my illness down to weather and general lack of looking after myself but actually i now realise it is more about the slow drip drip effect of the day to day inequality that i accept and in fact take part in. i have made myself less than myself. i enjoy the rules that make me so useless, i have nothing else to enjoy...nobody taught me how.
nobody taught me how to live outside those rules, to not buy the magazines, to not watch the telly, to not listen to the songs, to not enjoy sex as an object. by that i mean to not be an object. if i am not beautiful, slim, tall, wanted...what am i? What is left? obviously i am overplaying a point for effect but i do really mean this. what is my education, my music, my career, my lifestyle other than a tool to further objectify myself in order to sell myself. i had actually started to believe that with less makeup, less styling, less 'show' i was freeing myself..being more equal. the truth was that i just replaced one set of tools with another. at the end of the day i am as uncomfartable and ill as ever.
more confused, objectified and lost. desensitised and unloving.
our first track will be on itunes soon, which will take my mind off things for a while.